He was sitting on his bed and crying. Many people had gathered to console him. But no amount of their reasoning seemed to calm him. In fact, it was having adverse effects on him. The pitying look on the visitors’ faces confirmed his worst fears and made him even more afraid.
He had never been this terrified in all of his seventy five years. Nor had he ever been so certain of anything. He had sensed that he was coming to the end of his life but had not guessed it was going to be so soon.
It was last night’s dream that had confirmed to him that the countdown for his departure had begun.
It’s taken as unusual for one’s mother and wife to appear in one’s dreams, together. Therefore, his dream last night had been strange because in it, both of them were beckoning him with their arms wide open, telling him to join them, informing him that it was time to let go. In this particular dream, he had even seen the neighbor who had passed away only a few months ago.
Somehow he had managed to awaken himself. Frightful of the dream, he closed his eyes again. But he was also afraid to close his eyes. Terrified that if he did so, he would either have the same dream, or moreover, he might never open his eyes again.
He was a religious man. And religion had also taught him that life, like everything else, too, came to an end; that every journey ended sometime and somewhere. So, his wasn’t an exception.
That was what he was trying to tell the people gathered around him. That he didn’t plan to live forever. However, he wasn’t ready to go yet, either. He still had quite a number of things to do. He had known that the inevitable day would come, but he had always thought that would be in a distant future.
Why, ever since he had been able to understand the law of nature, he had known that nothing would last forever. His own experience had taught him that. The passing away of his parents, close friends and his own wife had convinced him of the fact that all things must pass.
Knowing that he had to pace his priorities in accordance with time, he had been able to accomplish quite a few things. But then, he had also missed out on much and many others.
But for starters, he had completed his studies in time, quickly found a job and got married promptly too. Planning his life accordingly, he had achieved the set targets. A lot of things he had been able to do. He had always made a point to be an obedient son and done his duties. He also never hesitated from shouldering his responsibilities as a father. And for his wife, too, he had always been there. The kind nature in him had made it hard for him to turn down friends who looked up to him in times of need.
But, carrying out all these duties perfectly, somehow, along the way, he had still left a few things to do for later days.
It had all started when he had given up his interests in sports to give his undivided attention to his studies. His father had advised him to take his studies seriously.
“There’ll be plenty of times to play once you finish studying,” his father advised him often. So he tried to persuade his own son to take sports seriously and hoped his grandson also would inherit that particular gene.
Another unfulfilled dream was the trekking to the Annapurna region he had planned to do. Somehow he never found time for that. There were other things to do, too, but he never found time for them either. Later, it was the movies he wanted to watch. But he had been unable to find the time as it coincided with his children’s annual exams. Then there was the book he had started writing but had to abandon it in the middle to take care of his sick mother. By the time he was free, other movies and bestsellers had arrived to watch and read. But he never found time to come back to these personal indulgences again.
There was always so much to do but so little time. Obviously, his wishes and desires had taken a back seat in his mission to keep everyone happy.
Then there was the vacation he wanted to take with his family up in the mountains. They had tried to take out some time from their busy schedules for it, but no amount of planning had resulted on all of them being free for a week at the same time.
Thus his to-do list had only become longer. He had even denied himself the pleasure of having an ice cream on a hot day. The realization that he would never find time to do it appalled him now. Lamenting was not in his nature and it surprised him to find himself doing so now. Then he realized that he felt better for having done so as if a heavy load had been lifted off his shoulder.
Then he remembered those holy pilgrimages he had made. Thank God for the visits to those temples he had trekked to. Those hectic spiritual journeys were going to save him from hell.
It was then, confident of having booked for himself a place in heaven, a smile appeared on his face. The lifelong habit of adjusting his mind to the situations was working for the last time. He felt calm; now that he had come to terms with the departure of his soul from this world to the other. His argument that heaven was not good enough a bargain to trade for his current state looked foolish now.
Suddenly he was free of complaining and wanted to rest. Those regrets no longer mattered as he smiled a gentle grin and closed his eyes and went to the deepest slumber.
– Pratichya Dulal
